following a whole week of workload, i'd have to say my week didn't turn out as bad as expected
instead, it ended on a pretty high note
with God's grace, i've managed to sail through the week
so, here are the details...
firstly, the humanities week, or i would like to call the "inhumane week"
i was slapped in the face with tons of work to be settled
starting with my SEA history project
fortunately, my presentation, which was expected to suck since there was probably a mere 20 words in total, was being postponed
then, in preparation for the main events on wednesday, countless of decisions had to be made in minutes
like the rental of clothes to dress up a classmate for the "masquerade competition" (it costed around $50)
as well as the distribution of work, the last minute settings of all things required
really had to squeeze dry my brain
crashing at the sofa for consecutive days, waking up to realise that there's a whole pile of shitload to be settled
but it all paid off this morning when my class was announced as the winners of the competition, as well as $80 worth of swensens vouchers!
that was, after a few seconds of wondering why i was being pulled out from the class early in the morning
(being called out by teachers give me the creeps everytime)
but now, it's just a matter of time before the good taste of swensens food lands in my mouth
YUM!!!
as for the few hours that has just passed, it was pretty much satisfying
catching up with your friends, the lil kiddies
(I'M IN JC! I'M A BIG BOY, BAYBEH!!)
as well as your past teachers, some whom you'd speak to, and others who give you the worst of stares that forces an involuntary smile on your face
well, at least we acknowledge each other's presence
so, the awards nite wasn't as grand as one might think
like a failed remake of the prom night in a school hall
well, at least some of the food was delicious
(AAAAHHHH~!!! I LOVE THE FAJITAS!!!!)
so throughout most of the event, my ears were practically attacked with words that are desperately coughed out to kill the silence
it only equates to one thing: boredom
well, at least i still got to go up on stage to receive my cert and $30 borders gift card
and to add on to that, mdm nora handed me a handwritten well-wishes card and $50 kinokuniya vouchers
so it's now 80 and 80 worth of vouchers and gift card
but i don't even know what to buy at bookshops
music magazines, perhaps??
and after all that, i've come to realise that i haven't really thanked my teachers for what they've done
being a relatively shy guy, i hope the teachers already know that this previous student of theirs really appreciate what they've done
despite everything else that happened which is not necessary to talk about
still, i do feel bad not doing so
but if i were to do so, i'd expect questions on why i took a long time to just say thanks
then again, i didn't really perform well enough to make them proud and think that they deserve a token of appreciation
my appreciation might not even have any meaning
ah, well, i'm not going to do so anyway
let's just hope they won't fret about this
they're suppose to be mature people after all, eh?
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Saturday, April 03, 2010
i know, i know
it's been some time since i've posted something here
not that i'm abandoning this blog or anything
but as a jc student... (you should know how to end this statement)
but with the ounce of motivation by my GP teacher, i've decided to blog this week
a little review on life, a mix and match of all things possible
as some, or perhaps everyone may know, i've already bought a new phone
after years of persuasion and two weeks of finding money,
which got very annoying at some point of time
finally came the time where i would no longer have to dwell about getting a phone
i've rejoiced, and now i'm enjoying this hassle-free life (communication-wise, perhaps)
till now, i still haven't really explored my phone much
and i still don't know how to use wi-fi at home nor add songs to my phone...
there's also the class outing which came up a day or two after i bought my phone
one month is definitely a long time without meeting my classmates
(and we still stick to the prisoner numbers as the class name)
it was a great time to catch up with them, on all things crappy and necessary
despite the absence of some, it was still a joyous occasion
nonetheless, i do hope at least almost everyone would be able to make it the next time
(the last time almost everyone attended a class event was probably the class camp)
then there's the hockey 4-a-side carnival
my team, made up of only jc1s, literally got down and dirty during the matches
the allocated pitch was pretty much like a pigsty
(you can check the photos on facebook for a more detailed view on this)
though we lost most of the matches against the poly teams as well as cjc,
we managed to produce a win against MI through a 20-minute penalty shootout
i suppose it was a good exposure to the game
and a note to self: the padang, though sounds very grand, is NOT how you think it is...
and lastly, the jc life
fffffFFFFFFFFF~~~!!!!!
the end.
"if there are any answers that we haven't searched for
just type in your code and say a prayer"
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Friday, February 19, 2010
lies. all lies.
i live a life of lies.
wasted years.
worthless life.
cheap trust.
cheeky smiles.
cheated feelings.
choking back the tears from my eyes.
miserable.
indigestible.
incorrigible.
unstable.
gullible.
a moment of self-realization.
the highly-emphasized question: why?
to open my arms. my head. my heart.
i was a strong believer.
faith. trust. love.
and letting moments define us, reality answers undesirably.
everyone turns against me.
my humble giving to you.
you. all of you.
i lent you my eyes, my ears, my words, my time, my head, my heart.
i lent you me.
but appreciation was never a universal characteristic.
you abused all that i gave you.
where have all the years of knitting this social fabric gone to?
what have i ever been?
what have you ever seen in me?
am i such a despicable figure?
a frivolous piece of matter?
what have i ever done to deserve this?
i feel so ashamed.
so embarrassed.
so lost in humour and desolation.
yet, again and again, i fall. and fall. and fall. and fall for it.
and again. and again. and again. and again. and again.
and i can keep this up. for there will never be an end to this.
because it is out of my capabilities.
the answer to it is out of question.
and the more we speak, the more i give, the less i know.
because every piece of my trust will only mask it further.
until you break that mask.
until you speak the truth.
until you make me realize.
then i will be left speechless.
then i will ask more.
then everything will repeat once more.
and being frank would be impossible.
because i can't tell.
i would have locked myself away from you.
i would have cried on a lonely night.
i would be left in despair.
because you made me feel this way.
you made me feel like shit. the literal shit.
taken in, as freely as can be.
absorbing all that is desired.
ignoring what is left behind.
and thrown away. never to be seen. never to be noticed. never to be bothered.
and a... person once said to me,
"i don't regard you as a friend.
i don't regard you as an acquaintance.
i don't regard you as...
i don't regard you as..."
and it would be clear what i was regarded as.
nothing.
and tomorrow, i will wake up.
i will smile.
and everything will repeat itself.
the face of lies.
the state of having realized.
because i am gullible.
i am not appreciated.
i am stupid.
and i can't find any other word to replace it because that's the way i am.
and that's the way i'll stay forever.
and your perceptions of me won't change.
i will change.
in cycles. in repetitions.
because it is always the same.
like counting sheep.
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Sunday, February 14, 2010
i have been convincing myself that i need to change
change for the better
and for changes to occur, sacrifices have to be made
this is going to be my biggest sacrifice yet...
for years, i've always tried to put others' interests ahead of mine
spending my time to be with them
neglecting all of my other personal interests
thinking that it was an act of righteousness
and that i would be treated fairly well in return
for months, i've felt that my efforts were worthless
i have not gained the love and respect i yearned for
i plagued my mind with all things involving disappointment and rage
this marks the start of my change, but in the wrong path
for weeks, i've tried to think everything out
my life, my desires, my true commitments
i sought advice from some of my fellow friends
supportive they were of my intended move
yet, i was still shrouded in uncertainty
for the past few days, i've observed the many people around me
the close ones and the ones who are becoming close
in my search for answers, i've realised that i was being foolish, selfish, and all the other related adjectives
and now, i'll have to rethink my choices
with a smile on my face, i know this time, it's not too hard to decide what i want and what i will do...
...and i tried keeping this post simple and easy to read.
"i don't know where i'm going
but i'm bound to see
what i'm capable of being
if the world's taking me
and i know, he knows, she knows, we know
can't change history, but history is what's changing me"
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Monday, January 11, 2010
an unfortunate victim, i thought i was
getting whipped by mistake
laid on the floor, bearing the pain
rage pulled me up, i gave him a chase to the living room
struck a few hits on his back
he strafed left, towards the gate
managed to push him out a little, retaliation
i got pushed all the way to the door of the master bedroom
jerked him back, put him off balance
tripped him backwards, he slipped off the carpet
laying on the floor motionless, with eyes wide open.
and fire was lost in a moment.
oh fuck. oh fuck. oh fuck.
he was hardly breathing
no! wake up! wake up! WAKE UP!!!
...i woke up.
a nightmare. of life and death.
he who just took the trouble to take care of the sick me last night became an enemy in mind.
he is my dad.
how did i ever end up dreaming of this?
a sign for me to give him a little extra appreciation?
perhaps.
but that was terribly wrong...
that wasn't me.
i pray that it wouldn't occur to me.
and him.
as for my results, it was far worse that expected
despite spending solemn days on work and minimal sleep,
i find it rather depressing not to achieve what i aimed for
now i find myself on the lower ground
i know i did things wrongly
now i have to make up for it
i must get rid of 'lazy'
look back and learn how to adopt the subtle habits of my fellow classmates who've achieved glory
"be the best that you can be." - ms. tan siew piang (i don't know how this got in my head)
and the tracks will be replaced once more...
"and this is not what i hoped for
wake, wake up
wake, wake up..."
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Thursday, January 07, 2010
homesick? or sick of home?
day by day, driven out of the house due to boredom or obligations
i'm not living how i want to live
my sole purpose of living becomes lost as i get stuck in this physical world
grabbing hold of everything i consider being able to give me 'life'
seize the moment? yes.
living life to the fullest? a definite no.
a self-taught knowledge gets rewritten over and over, but practising it only comes occasionally
i've put it to sacrifice, but restoration has minimal outcomes
as i write this, i've come to notice
am i fretting because i lack appreciation??
perhaps.
but one thing's for sure
i have to keep moving before my time runs out
"if you lost everything in a moment, would you notice?
could you rebuild something so hopeless?
are you hopeless?
and when you wake alone, with no one left to hold,
you won't need to know all the things i know."
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Tuesday, December 22, 2009
for the past few days, i've been spending most of my days out of the house
in fact, the only day i stayed at home was, errm, yesterday i think
perhaps the best two days were the weekends
went to see CLOSURE IN MOSCOW!!!
i bet anyone reading this got no freakin' idea who they are, but it doesn't matter
i'm posting this for myself anyway
(it's MY BLOG!)
so, on saturday, went to see them at *SCAPE The Lab
a kind of small room for small gigs i suppose
got to meet them up close and personal!
but before that, i have to tell you, my journey should have only five minutes
instead, i took 45 minutes to get there
i was highly confident of myself that i knew the way
i keep remembering the straight road in the map
unfortunately, my route led me straight to Plaza Singapura
THAT IS SOOOO NOT THE WAY TO *SCAPE!!!
i spent most of my time walking from Plaza Singapura to Istana Park, and back again
with my dying handphone, i managed to send a message to marilyn, asking her for directions
(guys, when you don't know the directions, drop your ego and ask for directions!)
well, getting a reply might not mean anything to most people
but i regarded the reply as heaven-sent
so, with the much needed help, i made my way towards Orchard Cineleisure
on the way, i asked for more directions from a kind carpark attendant
it was already past 5pm then
made a frantic dash to the skate park, searched for a map, went further to reach my destination
time of arrival: 5.15pm
i missed their first song!!!
when i arrived, Closure In Moscow was already playing their second song, Pony
(it's a cover, and it's kinda horny, but catchy)
as i entered, i walked past the two caucasians, oblivious to the fact that they were the band members
yeah, how silly
had a little Q&A session, listening to the bands past and their progress in making it this far
all the joy and laughter was marred by the foolish words of a poser
whenever the band mentioned a few other band names, he would diss them
ignoring the fact that everyone else was jeering at him
the band then wrapped it up with two other songs, A Night At The Spleen and Deluge
(a night at the spleen makes a really great song for a night filled with partying and dancing)
after the session, they were kind enough to stay for a moment and took a hell lot of photos with everyone
i somehow managed to sneak into one of the pictures
actually, they just invited everyone to take a photo together
so yeah, i got into one of the photos with the band
then i realised my phone battery was flat.
_____(feel free to add in any vulgarities here)
once again, had to ask for help
i went to a lady who was part of *SCAPE's committee
(yeah, she was undeniably cute)
despite being busy, she gladly directed me to the phone at the reception
so, i helped myself to it and called my bro, met him, blah blah blah, end of story here
oh, and i had to give their night time performance a miss...
next day, went to the last day of performances with ilham
drank a few cups of 7-up revive
yup, freeloaders
watched Tacit Aria (local band) perform a song
then there was this bunch of idiots trying to open up a mosh pit, but no one else joined them
so they started jumping around like retards
if you can imagine kids jumping non-stop while punching their hands in the air, you can certainly imagine them
then the host advised that we don't get ourselves injured, so no moshing
YAY!!!
then, went off for a while, walked around cineleisure
after that, we returned for CLOSURE IN MOSCOW!!!
oh, yeah, before that, i went to ask for autographs by three of their members
nothing to sign on, so i just allowed them to sign on my shirt, hehe
if only i was wearing the band's tee, it would be more meaningful...
then there was this FREAKING LUCKY GIRL WHO WON AN AUTOGRAPHED GIBSON REVERSED FLYING V GUITAR!!!
JEALOUS!!! but well, congrats to her
now, on to their performance...
IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!!!
the guitar riffs were superb, and Chris (singer) didn't went off key at all
it was a HELL OF A PERFORMANCE!!!
started with A Night At The Spleen, then Vanguards
then in no particular order: We Want Guarantees... Not Hunger Pains, Here's To Entropy, Kissing Cousins, Dulcinea
and they sealed it off with Jewels For Eyes
then, they came back for an encore
personally one of the best songs of 2009: SWEET#HART!!!
an awesome ending to the event
Ilham was also convinced that they were really awesome, hehe
so, that was pretty much how i spent my weekends
well, i guess that's the end of my post...
oh, wait, i think i'm gonna post a few pics for once...
from left: Manny, Beau, Brad, Michael (Barrett), Chris
they "kindly invited" me to take this pic with them
Beau with the new Gibson Dusk Tiger electric guitar that they featured as part of the event
i still see your face
you're safe in my sleep again...
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Wednesday, December 16, 2009
it seems obvious that there is nothing much for me to do right now
after madrasah (religious class/school??) exams, i'm back to no business
despite having borrowed three books and two comics last week, i'm still as bored as hell
actually, i haven't really started reading the books
my long list of holiday agendas is probably lost somewhere in my head
haven't even started writing songs
nor have i brushed my guitar skills
nor did i go jamming, in which, there is a very small likelihood of it
bandmates are too busy with work, while i'm rotting at home
nah, not really rotting, i head to the gym quite often nowadays
oh yeah, i just remembered about this...
http://yulz-revelations.blogspot.com/2008/11/road-to-becoming-ironman.html
that was a loooong time ago, but i'm still as skinny
and my weight's stuck at 52kg
so, besides my attempts to buff my body, yeah, nothing much
haven't planned on how to customize my shoes
oh, i now suck at drawing as well (did i tell you about this before??)
so, what good am i now??
besides being able to help my mom with some housework
now, i need ideas
ideas on what to do, ideas on what to draw, ideas on what to play on the guitar
so, any suggestions left on the tagboard would be much appreciated
in the meantime, i hope you guys enjoy the new songs on the player
pray hard that the player doesn't fail this time...
"i awoke, only to find my lungs empty
through the night, so it seems i'm not breathing
and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
and i'm breaking down, i think i'm breaking down..."
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Friday, December 04, 2009
two-thirds of a month gone, and i haven't really done anything productive
so far, after the prom, life has been, well, lifeless
in and out of the house, eating up on my parents' money
so aimless i am that i might just go over the ledge this next moment...
nah, i'm not into suicides
besides, like what switchfoot sang
"we were meant to live for so much more"
anyways, i'm very reluctant to stay at home
everything i planned to work on is here, so i myself am uncertain why i should go out
besides finding a job, that is
and i would like to meet my 4/7 mates often
however, i cringe whenever i hear about some of my fellow classmates already getting a job
yet, it is a motivation for me to get one myself
but things haven't really been going my way
so yeah, it gets kinda stressful
oh, and i've started to become more lazy to go to the gym
perhaps i'm discouraged by this momentary failure
yet, i don't think i'm the kind of guy who is easily marred by such setbacks
in fact, i should be getting mad and tire myself out at the gym
so why is my ass still stuck on this chair?
this life is taking much of a beating
yet, if things don't go my way, what am i suppose to do??
stop and stare? or punch the wall?
leave your suggestions at the tagboard while i find a way to overcome this problem,
and study for my religious class exams
haiz...
"i won't give you no money, i always pay
na-na, why don't you get a job?
say no way, say no way ya, no way
na-na, why don't you get a job?"
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